Been There, Done That. And so has Marc MacYoung. If you're not ready to come to God, then at least read this post. Profanity abounds, but if your life is that messed up, that'll be the least of your worries.
Most of our internal pain is self-generating. That is to say how we think, what we assume, our habits, behaviors and beliefs create ways of thinking that cause us pain, strife and fear.
That's not say that the external world isn't f*cked up, it can be. But the belief that the world is ALWAYS f*cked up sets us on a course to prove it ourselves. What goes on inside of our head can make us look at an okay situation and overemphasize the bad so much that it makes it look like it's f*cked up. Worse is when a situation is good, we'll go out of our way to f*ck it up -- again reconfirming or belief that the world is f*cked up.
Now this is not to say the pain isn't real. It is. Just most of it is self-generated. Does bad shit that we didn't create happen? Yes. But again, most of our pain comes from inside ourselves -- especially when we take a bad event and run with it, make it the basis of our life's story and demand the world accommodate what has become our self-generating pain.
This is made more complicated because when you're hurting in this manner, you'll seek out ways to make it temporarily stop. This through booze, drugs, adrenaline (getting punched) and anger. It is at these times we feel both alive and pain free. All that other shit falls away and we are temporarily freed from what we're doing to ourselves from inside our own heads.
Yes, it's exactly like that. I know--I lived that way for a good long time. It can get better...if you take an honest, objective look at yourself and kick that ugly part of you out of the driver's seat. Whether you think it's psychology or Satan, if you want to change your life, that guy has to go.