06 June 2013

The Bill of What?

Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;(except Christianity) or abridging the freedom of speech,(unless you criticize Islam) or of the press;(intimidation, threat and wiretapping don't count) or the right of the people peaceably to assemble,(if granted the proper permits at our discretion) and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances(said petition will be used for toilet paper).

Amendment II

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed(except when we feel it necessary to protect public safety ourselves and other criminals).

Amendment III

No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.  (Our agents don't have to live in your house; they can smash your door down and stomp your pets to death whenever they please.)

Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.  (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA......)

Amendment V

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself,(especially if she's just claimed that she's done nothing wrong--seems like a little paradox there) nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

Amendment VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed,(although said jury will be commanded to rule the way the judge says to) which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence(but the IRS can take everything from you without trial, warrant or provable cause).

Amendment VII

In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law. 

Amendment VIII

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.  (If you're rich and/or well-connected.)

Amendment IX

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.  (You think you have any other rights than .gov tells you you have???  You're killing me here!!  Hee hee hee...)

Amendment X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.  (STATES' RIGHTS??  Seriously, stop it.  I'm gonna piss myself.  BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!)

The Constitution is the foundation of the rule of law in this country.  If the Constitution is null and void, then America is dead.

America is dead.

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